Move on boy..

IMF World Bank. I'm involved. Sucks. Stressed. Have not slept in 48 hours. Briefings. Meetings. Exercises. Simulations. Left her a sms the night before. No reply, maybe she already slept. It was kinda late anyway. Just now, she asked me why I kept complaining about the recall. I told her I was feeling stressed out. But it was as if she did not hear me say it. Did not even asked me why I was feeling stressed out.

Not surprising. I am not of importance anymore I suppose. So hard to meet her now too. Kept saying she is busy. Been waiting to see her since before her holiday break. She had time to meet her other friends though. Her new term has started. Now she really is busy. Well, I must be real low on the 'Friends' scale. Wonder who I am to her now. I must have hurt her real bad without realising it. What exactly did I do? I wonder.

Time to move on boy. But can I? I just want to be a friend. Am I expecting so much from her? Should I just leave the country and get it over and done with? Disappear for good and stop being and irritant to just about everyone? Guess I need a new environment anyway.

New place, new friends. I hope. I do not have anyone whom I can really call a friend now. No confidante. I can only express myself via this pathetic blog. Why else start a blog? I had no need of a blog when i was still with her. 'Coz she listened to my complaints. 'Coz she listened to my problems. 'Coz she loved me...

IF I am Chinese?!!

Had a chat with a friend today. We happened to talk bout Mich. Asked what happened. Reluctant, but I gave in. End of it all, she remarked,

"Ash, I must say you're a trophy guy."

"Huh? What's a trophy guy."

"I just think that you are really great.............. If you're chinese...I will surely go after u."

"..."

And all those memories which I safely stashed in the deepest recesses of my mind came pouring out like a torrential flood. Nostalgia comes. FUCK. Should I dip myself completely in yellow paint? We're living in fk-ing SINGAPORE? Or maybe multi-ethnicity and racial harmony is just MY illusion. Maybe we have not reached that phase yet where all of us would be that open.

But my friend (though immediately after, showered me with apologies after realising her tactless remark) was simply being true. Maybe chinese girls are not for me. She is making me realise that. If only I can find a Malay girl that i really like. Huh, dream on! It is so difficult to find a Malay girl who has the same frequency as me. Those who do have such mindsets go after Westerners. Viscious cycle ain't it?

Heck, I'm done with such hypocrisy on this tiny island. Gonna save and get out.

The Return

Almost 2 months! Since I last blogged. Hahz been darn busy with work. June holidays are always the best time for all kinds of cafe promotions ;) Anyway just got home from gym. I am so fking tired lar. Yeah u heard me right the first time. GYM. YES. Haha. I know, I know. Surprising eh. I been working out intensively the past 4 months and oh boy, do I feel amazing!

Initially, I just thought that I need some esteem boosting. Body and health been real fragile since I stopped climbing competitively. My muscles turned to flabs. Fats that I thought I would never have, started creeping in bit by bit. And worse of all, the fats decided to focus on my tummy. The eight continents were at war, but after lots of food trade and peace talks, we now have one united nation. Aaargh!!

But it's okay it's alright. Ashie come back fight, fight, fight!

Today was bad though. Think I pushed myself a tad too much. After my workout, I felt so nauseous. And I was hyper-ventilating real bad. The same feeling of sickness I usually get deep in the pit of my stomach when I have too much liquor. The verge of reaching the point of no return. I took longer than usual to recover today. Bad. Is it because I am worried about my upcoming IPPT? Am I pointlessly worrying about the upcoming SPCA run? Am I trying to make up for the bad performance at last week's soccer match? Maybe all of the above.

Or maybe I was just not focusing. Was feeling kinda down today.

The last time I met Valene, we shopped. Bought for her this really sweet dress. Also saw this really lovely pair of slip-ons. I wanted to buy the pair for her. But Valene adamantly refused. Said I spent enough for her already. She is such a sweet girl. Well, guess what. I went back to the store and bought the princess slip-ons the very next day.

I informed her about my purchase. Though she got really mad at first, she was real touched thereafter. After I convinced her that I was just doing a favour ;) Well, that was almost a month back. She been too busy to meet up. And worse of all, my stupid phone decided to break down so I lost her number. I could not contact her for almost 3 weeks.

Today finally, a week after getting my phone repaired and resuming contact with Valene, I decided to give her a surprise visit at her workplace with the shoes. She was due to end work at 3pm. With both her 'oh-so-cute' surprised look and giving me that 'always-make-me-melt' smile, she received me quite graciously. Bad news was that she already promised her colleagues to go out after work and could not lunch with me. *sighs* ... *big sigh* ...

I wanted to dine with her so, so very much. I NEED to talk to her. Got this bugging feeling that I am coming on too strong. Yeah, we did make it clear in the first place that we should simply just enjoy this friendly bond that we have forged. Nothing more. But, sometimes there is no way you can control your feelings. No, let me correct that. You almost never can control your heart.

You do not choose who to love. You love whom your heart desires.

I am so worried that she is feeling too overwhelmed by my moves. I really need to slow down and give her space. If this carries on, I can forget about our trip to Europe.

Oh well, felt so down today I decided to visit Peter, my favourite stylist. He's the head stylist for Circular Haircraft located along Circular Road. He was almost completely booked for today. But since I am his favourite customer, he managed to squeeze a slot for me. Yeah! Was still early for my set appointment with him, so decided to chill and read at TCC Boat Quay, just across the road from Peter's salon.

The TCC outlet at Boat Quay seemed just like any of their other outlets. But, their second floor was totally different. It was like entering a private harem. With dim lights, low tables and plush beanbags all over the floor, it was the perfect place to spend my laid-back Saturday afternoon.

By the way, am reading Neil Gaiman's 'American Gods' at the moment. He is amazing! Neil Gaiman is this messy-haired white male author trapped in the body of an identical white male author with perhaps even less-tidy hair! You may offer him a comb but he does not believe it would do him any good. This guy actually won multiple awards for this particular book. And single-handedly gave all the librarians of the world a really hard time. There is no category for this novel. I mean, this piece of superb work won the Hugo and the Nebula (for Science Fiction), the Bram Stroker (for horror), and the Locus (for fantasy). Is that a wow, or is that a wow!!



Well, I also had messy, shaggy hair. Hehz. But it all ended today. Cut my hair real short. See below for my 3 different hair lengths/styles which I had within a period of less than sixty days.

Bad Day

Seriously not my day today. Worst ever customer I have ever encountered.

This FUCKER of a man simply walked in as if he owns the bloody restaurant. Do note that we do have a 'Please wait to be seated' sign at the door. In ENGLISH. Then he made his way right into the reserved section. All the tables had a 'Reserved' sign. I made my move to direct him to an available seat without a 'Reserved' sign. I apologised and told him the section is closed. He said, "Does it matter?" Very rude. But I gave in. I had other customers calling anyway.

He moved and seated himself to a 4-seater and in the process his huge FUCKING arse hit the table and the knife dropped. Pretended nothing happened and gave me a stare. Not even a sorry. I picked the knife up. And almost stabbed him in his pudgy neck! After I announced to him with my most controlled smile, the 'Soup of the Day' to leave him, he moved the table towards himsef in such a haphazard manner that it caused the other settings to fall on the floor. Also caused a weird gap between his table and the table which was just before, joined together to his. I asked him politely if he still wants the other table. I offered to push it back. Guess what he replied. "Does it matter?"Aaargh!! I gave him my best smile and withdrew. He was too busy looking at the menu anyway to notice me smiling.

His friend came by awhile later with a drink in her hand. I came by and gave my most apologetic smile. "I am so sorry, but no consumption of outside food & beverage is allowed on the premises". The lady apologised and requested that I clear her drink away for her. But not before tha guy shouted to me. "Does it matter?" What the FUCK?! Is that the only thing he can say? Does it matter? Is his fucking vocabulary so very limited? By the way he was wearing a suit. I quote from my friend's blog.

Singapore is a first-world country with a third-world culture.

I was really shocked and ashamed to hear such a thing from a foreigner. But I could not help but agree.

Oh well. Fuck him. I had a pleasant surprise towards the end of the day though. Lena together with Lee Yin, Xiuwen, Qingting & Zhenming came by for dinner! Wowie. So happy to see them! Caught up with them a bit while doing my closing. Thank you guys for coming by!! Really changed my mood tremendously!!

But after that still got some more. I rushed to Heeren after work to PK Computer. Wanted to buy The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. But they had moved away. I went there only 2 weeks ago! Oh well. Really wanted the game so I called for a cab and rushed to Sim Lim Square. Praying hard. Darn. Went floor by floor. All closed! Haiz. Rushed down and called for another cab to Funan. Simply no luck. All the shops closed also. Sad sad. My off day tomorrow. Tonight no game to play. Spent almost $30 on cab fare but went home empty-handed. FUCK!!!

Show Me the True Meaning of Love..

Weird. I think I am being as neutral as I can be. Not sure what she is expecting from me though. Not sure what she was referring to. Kept saying she was bad. And despite all that, I still like her no matter what. Well, I thought that is what people call love. Well apparently not to her. *sighs* Due to that, she reproaches herself. So it is all actually my fault. Theoretically, the most logical solution to make her stop reproaching herself is to stop liking her. Which is impossible. So I chose to stay on the fence. Not to be extra nice. And give her time. Then we will see.

Well, they say time heals all wounds. I wonder if that saying rings true. It is after all only half a year since we broke off. I wonder if end of the day we do get to stay as friends even. And if given time will she actually stop reproaching herself and actually come to terms with the fact that I will always love her.

The problem is, she just do not understand completely how I feel. Kept telling her that I will move on. Loving her does not mean that I cannot move on. Just that she has a special place in my heart. She kept saying that she does not wanna ruin my life and all. *shrugs* Oh well, really hope she will one day accept this fact.

Anyway, met up with a few old friends last night while attending Jesslyn's wedding dinner. Oh my, how time flies! Lucky Deano & Adrian was there, else sure feel horribly awkward. It was held at Swissotel Merchant Court. Nice place but food so-so. Also did some catching up with the SQ girls whom I got to know during my time in STC awhile back. Drank quite a bit, maybe 'coz I simply was not in the mood. Things bothering me. Plaguing my mind. Did not feel like going home though so went to join the Holland V gang to catch X-Men: The Last Stand at Cine. Lovely show, mixed ending. Both tragic and meaningful. (Make sure you wait till after the credits roll, do not leave the theatre so soon or u will regret it) Sweet romance. Poor Logan. Always having to bear the brunt. So me. Haha crap.

Well, still waiting for the wedding pictures from my friends. Will consider putting up my shot with the SQ girls ;) Till then.

Rekindled Flame

On off today. Again! Woah and I simply slacked at home. Well, not really actually. Hehz. In fact I learnt something new today. Did more HTML's and finally managed to get my own version of Flash Media Player up and running!! So proud. Small accomplishment but I am happy haha. Accomplishment to me 'coz I so hate programming debugging. Can be so frustrating!

Anyway I spoke with my ex today. Things seem to be a lil' awkward now. I dunno. I felt awkward. I suppose I am being my neutral best. Just see how things go. Time.

So, she also shared a link to a funny clip of this guy, Pablo Francisco. A Latino guy, who don't speak so much like a Pablo. Funny. So lame. Good for laughs. I included one of his clip. Hope it makes your day too.

First Kiss

I know the title's lame but it did catch your attention didn't it? Well, it is my first ever weblog entry after all. Never was interested in blogging. But with the recent unhappiness in my life I thought I needed an outlet to express myself. To let out my feelings. And maybe simply to ramble. The old traditional way of ranting to a drinking buddy has not really been that effective. The only effects I did get were headaches and horrible hangovers upon dawn. And maybe for an hour or so, you'd be terribly inflicted with a serious case of sunlight-allergy, very much like a vampire shying away from the powerful rays of the sun.

Anyway, I just watched 'Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle' on cable. Hilarious. Funny lame-ass movie. Reminded me of my ex. A lot. If I remember correctly, when this show was released, we wanted to watch it so much 'coz we badly needed a laugh. But unfortunately enough, we didn't get to. I think I was too busy with work and she was too busy with school. Really do hope she's doing well now.

How long has it been? It's been more than half a year. It seemed like yesterday though. Can't get over her. Although it was my fourth go at a serious relationship, she was definitely my first love. Noone has ever made me feel so and yes i would give my life for her. She is not an angel. She is not perfect. But I love her. A lot.

We sort of chatted thru sms yesterday. Weird thing going on with my mobile. Like some kinda virus-infection. Every sms that I sent out will also be bcc-ed to her. Yeah such things can be done, but why me and her? No motive. Like I said, weird. I asked her to accompany me to an old friend's wedding. But she told me she was not free. Yeah she had a valid reason and all. Her aunt's organising this mass mother's day celebrations, a very important family event. Understandable. But it seemed so much that she was 'saved by the bell'. I really wanted her to go but I knew it would turn out terribly awkward and her best answer would be no. Well, it's simply a case of wishing and hoping.

And then the weird bcc thing started to happen. Right after I spoke to her, I messaged a close friend of mine, whom I have always confided in. Also unknowingly (and stupidly) remarked how much I still love her and whom I have yet to get over. She received this message. Ouch.

She replied, remarked that I sent the message to the wrong person. How the hell did that happen?! Anyway she realised that all this while I have been nice to her like a friend out of pretense. No, it was not out of pretense. All this while, I simply have been myself. Her friend. After yesterday's conversation though, I know now though there is a high possibility that we may never be able to get back together again. Circumstances. Bad.

Though I cannot deny that it really is a wish that I been hoping will be fulfilled, it is mere fantasy. My utmost wish is still the same as it was before. For her to be happy with her life and being dependent on noone. Right now, I simply want us to be friends. Nothing more.